You Don’t Have To Be Dumb To Work Here But It Helps

The time – one sunny afternoon on a relatively workless Friday. The place – the Java Green outlet at the mall next door. The characters – the Java Green cashier and me.

Me: Hi, I want a small coffee. Do you have anything smaller than a regular cappuccino or a regular latte?

JGC: Sorry ma’am, we don’t serve small coffees.

Me: Okay, tell you what, just give me an espresso with a shot of milk.

JGC: Espresso is plain black coffee, ma’am.

Me: I know. But…

JGC: It’s very strong, ma’am.

Me: Yes, I know. But can’t you give it to me with some milk?

JGC: Ma’am, espresso comes without milk, ma’am. It’s plain black coffee.

Me: Yes, yes, it’s just…

JGC: Americano is also strong black coffee, ma’am.

Me: Wha…?

JGC: You could go for a cappuccino or a latte, ma’am.

Me: I don’t want a cappuccino or a latte! They’re both too much to drink! I want something smaller. Why can’t you give me an espresso with milk?

JGC: No, ma’am.

Me: What?

JGC: We don’t serve espresso with milk ma’am. Espresso is plain, black coffee ma’am.

Me: Listen, you little imbecile. I knew the difference between an espresso and a cappuccino while you were still learning how to count to ten. Now, I know that’s what your IQ probably is. What you don’t know is that I’ve had a pretty frustrating day trying to write witty lines promising eternal beauty to ugly, middle-aged women. So don’t push your luck and connect all the loose circuitry in your brain so that you understand this: whatever pithy amount they’re paying you to wear a neon green apron, it’s not worth getting your face stuffed into a steaming hot milk jug. If the guys at Barista can manage to do this, so can you. So. Give. Me. An. Espresso. With. A Shot. Of. Milk. NOW.

(Of course, I didn’t say that. Well, not out loud anyway. I believe it was something along the lines of “Fiiiine, a latte please”. Ashish, my friend, you’re not alone, you see.)

7 thoughts on “You Don’t Have To Be Dumb To Work Here But It Helps

  1. Part IIGirl in front of me on phone: No! He did not do that! I can’t wait till she hears of this.Barista guy: uhm can I take your order.Girl in question still on phone: uhm.. what do you think I should order.. cackle cackle.. Barista Guy: uhm..Girl still on the phone: What is a latte? Everyone else in the line: $@!#&I say give up coffee.Try instant energy beans. Eat more than 4 at one go and you’ve had 8 cups in one bite. The crash = throwing up. But it’s worth it.


  2. This one will be long, so you may choose to not publish this but I am grinning so hard that I have to tell you this one!So, we are in shopper’s stop, and you might argue that that is not exactly the place to shop for under-garments, but Mister wanted a pair of vests and he was travelling the next day or whatever. We couldn’t locate the right Jockey size on the shelves so I asked the attendant “Could you tell me where I can find size L in the non-ribbed variety here?” And he goes “Certainly ma’am, but why don’t you take a look at the Tommy Hilfiger range here. We have an excellent scheme going on. Buy undergarments worth 3,500 and you get…?” Even before I could fully comprehend what he was about to say, Mister lets out a loud sarcastic laugh and goes “Dekh hero, sade teen hazaar ke kachche banain khareedne wala bevakoof dikhta hoon kya? And now can you just tell us if you have that size in Jockey?”


  3. Lol. The same kinda dumb people-thing everywhere. Cafes, pizza places, malls. Once in pizza hut the guy couldn’t understand that we were asking for extra toppings for 5 min, so I switched to Hindi, and the guy got offended!! I mean, come on!!! If you don’t get it even after I point it out in the menu, then you ain’t going to get it ever!!


  4. oh dear goD LOL that’s why i love starbucks and CCD. the customer wins. they will give you whatever you want….i think you want an espresso macchiato…i think that’s what it’s called??anyway. guy at pizza hut looks at our party of 8. we order water as our drink, not pepsi.“mineral water??” he says. “yess…”we hiss.again, the look at party of eight.“large?”i don’t know if he was messing with us because we were ll girls or seriously dumb…


  5. I’m itching to make a post RIGHT NOW. The other day at CCD, Vasant Kunj – I asked for an espresso and the dumbfuck went on about how an espresso is a “shot of really strong dark <>blackish<> coffee and a lot of people take it with a double scoop of ice cream over it with a donut. It’s otherwise very strong coffee sir.”Guess they’re everywhere.


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